I LOVE YOU I HATE YOU

I HATE U 4 LOOKING AT ME
FROM THE CORNER OF UR EYES
FOR MAKING ME SMILE
FOR LETTINGN ME HOLD UR HAND
FOR COMING INTO MY LIFE
FOR EATING WHAT I LOVED
FOR WEARING WHT I THOUGHT SUITED U
FOR LOOKING BEAUTIFUL
FOR DOING EVERYTHING TO PLEASE ME
FOR LOVING ME INTENSELY
FOR WAITING 4 ME
FOR RUNNING TOWARDS ME TO HUG ME
FOR KISSING ME PASSIONATELY
FOR BEING ONE WITH ME
NOW GOING AWAY SUDDENLY
WITHOUT EVEN SAYING A WORD
NOWI HATE MYSELF
WHY M I ALIVE
GOD I WANT TO BE ONE WITH HERE

YOU ARE MY LOVE

u were a surprise
a dream come true
a love without any boundaries
a beauty which i feel deep inside
a smile which kisses me
a touch which caresses me
a perfume which is all pervading
can i touch u
can i hold ur hand
can i look into yr eyes
can i feel u around me
can i ever forget u
can i live without u
GOD tell me what do i DO

A GIFT OF GOD

My faith in god n man has redoubled- as though I have not- cannot see God but I believe even today he creates human who perform his deeds for a fortunate few
Let me tell u from the beginning
It all started three years ago- as I was going thru my mails on msn
I saw a message ‘wanted true female friends’ I sent a reply back saying that I was a Muslim girl from an orthodox family doing my B.A ,final 19 yrs old n was interested in sincere friendship
A reply came saying ‘I m interested provided u r not interested in romance- no exchange of photos – no telephone numbers n no desire to meet ever’
I was surprised at the same time happy that there are in India still males who can be decent as my past experience and advice of friends was to the contrary
Incidentally my name is Naaz and he was Vikram

As per his desire I added him on Yahoo messenger and waited for his message
I got a mail saying that he can chat only from 10 pm onwards n will be on line at that time
I was relieved as I was not allowed to chat during day as my parents were strict and late night chatting suited me
At 10 pm I saw him on line n sent him a ‘hi’ and we got started- he sent me a long mail giving the details of how he grew up in a poor family n his father struggled to bring up his three children and prospered in a software business of which he was now the owner with his three brothers 23 n 21 – he being only 25 and unmarried
After a few days we became very friendly and our chatting not only became regular but got extended to sometime till midnight n beyond
He never talked much about himself but I was opening up n told him everything about an affair I had with a senior college friend Sidhant who was very handsome and lot of girls were after him- he was seen with a different girl everyday which made everyone jealous n lot of girls wanted to possess him- I was no exception
But he ditched me too after going around with me for 6 months
The more he moved away from me the more I wanted him and I cried day n night for him n even failed in my final year
I was now confined to my home lonely- no friends n nothing to look forward to –my parents planning to marry me off. After more than a year Sidhant was after me saying that he loved me and wanted to marry me- he was from a poor family living in a chawl and working as a salesman in a small firm getting 4000/ per month salary
I was confused n knew my father will kill me if he ever came to know about my affair but Sidhant was telephoning me everyday urging me to marry him immediately not only that he was now wanting me to rebel n tell my dad that whatever happens I will marry Sidhant n not only that Dad will have to help us financially in setting up a home
Vikram was appalled n could not digest all this and offered to marry himself after convincing my parents that he would keep their daughter happy but I still loved Sidhant n could not forget him
Vikram gave up n was so annoyed that he told me that as I was prepared to destroy my life he had nothing to do with this silly talk n refused to listen to this crap.I was now worried that I will lose Vikram too as I was being foolish n impractical so I started realizing that I must make up my mind to forget Sidhant which was very difficult as he continued to phone me n started telling me of his other girl friends he was going around with now This again threatened my relationship with him n I again started thinking that there must be a way to marry Sidhant – I was even prepared to leave my home n all luxuries of life n live I a one room chawl with his family for my love Vikram did not come on line for three days n I did not know why – thinking that he was fed up with my foolishness n I had lost him
I sent him several off line messages n mails but there was no reply .I kept looking at the blank screen and started cursing myself n knew Vikram will never come back or he must have has met with some accident .The more I thought about it the uglier the thoughts came to my mind
There was no way I could know why Vikram had disappeared .I prayed to God – with tears in my eyes- please give me my Vikram back- I will do as he says but pl God I want my Vikram back
At last on 7th day his I got a mail saying that he was sick but now ok will talk tonight. I was very happy n waited for the clock to strike 10
When he came on line I couldn’t control my self n burst into tears as if I got the most precious possession back
Was I in love with Vikram-? who I had not even seen but strangely did not even feel the need to see him. I wanted to run towards him n hug him tight – why I don’t know. All I knew that he was my best friend. And I never waned to lose him
That night he gave me a big lecture and said all girls fall in love at this age without thinking about their future n invariably land in trouble if the guy they love has poor education without ambition n has no future .Therefore he advised me to first finish my studies and adopt a career so that I have an identity of my own. According to him if a woman has an identity of her own she is respected by her husband too. Also with changing times girls are having a bright future today n must stand on their feet
He advised me to read a book The Second Sex by Simone De Beauvoir- which will change my own concept of a why woman is a woman
I never bought the book but he continued to coax me into steering my life myself The result was that I enrolled my self in college again n got engrossed in studies –finishing my M.A. in applied psychology- specializing in industrial psychology n getting first division. Seeing my results my Dad also encouraged me to get ahead in life; In fact he permitted me to take interest in his business as he was not able to cope with the large labor force of about 300 workers and started seeking my advice in certain matters
Dad told me to handle the HR department which I was very happy to do.
My chatting with Vikram continued but as I was now busy the chatting reduced and it lasted only a few minutes
Vikram was now very happy n so was I
He proposed that I now settle down and suggested that the name of his friend Irfan a Professor in JNU - Delhi – who according to him was ideal for me –he even sent his picture Irfan was very handsome n from a very good enlightened family of Rampur
I was a bit disappointed as I always dreamt that Vikram was my hero but I did not have the guts to express my feelings as he had done so much for me I wanted to do everything as he suggested
I talked to my Dad about it and he was happy at the god sent proposal
The families met n Irfan came to see me. It was love at first sight and within a week we got married
I was writing this from the houseboat in Srinagar where we had gone for our honeymoon n Irfan was fast asleep
He had told me that when we go to Delhi he will take me to Vikrams place to meet him as Vikram was not able to attend our wedding being on a business tour to US
It getting very late at night then suddenly Irfan got up n told me to read out what I was writing
After I read out the whole story he told me something I could never imagine
Vikram was not a 25 yrs old young fellow but was his professor Dr Vikram Mehta – the head of department of sociology who was 50 yrs old – never married and whose mission in life was to change the future of any female who came in his contact
This was an experiment he was performing even with unknown n unseen female n I was the subject of study
I was overwhelmed n could not wait to see the God on earth who saved me from ruining myself n guided me to be a person with an identity of my own
I did not know how I will thank Prof Vikram

We reached Delhi and Irfan telephoned his Guru – there was no response so we decided to go to his place immediately
As we reached his place there was a stunned silence and in the main hall we saw a large number of people in white praying before a large photograph of Prof Vikram who had died of a heart attack three days ago
I burst out crying n continued to sit till everyone had left
Irfan met his house keeper who had a gift for me wrapped in a golden paper-it was the book Second Sex- with a hand written note ‘with love to my Begum – Sartaj’
Vikram always called me Begum and I called him Sartaj
Was he my God on earth who I couldn’t see n touch?